I Miss You
by Elf Princess Bloom
Summary: This is set a year after Sirius was sent to Azkaban. Remus discovers and almost loses an unusual way of coping.


DISCLAIMER: don't own remus. don't own sirius. or azkaban. or the song I Miss You by Blink 182.  
  
a/n: not the best, wrote it half asleep. may be a future spin off/ sequel/ whatever from sirius's pov.  
  
Hello there, the angel from my nightmare  
  
the shadow in the background of the morgue  
  
the unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley  
  
we can live like Jack and Sally if we want  
  
where you can always find me  
  
we'll have Halloween on Christmas  
  
and in the night we'll wish this never ends  
  
we'll wish this never ends  
  
Remus slept. His best friends were either dead or slowly decaying in prison. He was having trouble finding reasons to stay awake lately. Especially when his dreams were starting to take over his life.  
  
He had begun having these nighttime visions a week ago, on the one year anniversary of Sirius' being sent to Azkaban. In these dreams they were together again, they were happy. They were doing things that made Remus blush when he'd think about them the next day. But they were helping him cope, not to mention giving him the best dream-sex he had ever had in his life. Not that he had ever had any dream-sex, but he didn't stop to ponder things like that.  
  
And when he wasn't sleeping, he was day-dreaming of his ill-fated lover. Thinking about Sirius would bring a lazy smile to his face, sometimes the strain would be lifted off, if only for seconds. But sometimes it was enough, to keep him going, at least until he could rest his head and once again fall back into a happier albeit fake life.  
  
It was funny how when someone was suddenly ripped from your life you could remember every inane detail about the time spent with them. Remus liked to remember how they'd wrestled as animals, as humans, and intellectually. Strange, but now he marveled over Sirius being intellectual. He had never seemed that way at school, or maybe Remus just hadn't appreciated it enough.  
  
(I miss you, miss you)  
  
(I miss you, miss you)  
  
It was almost that time of the month again. Remus could feel it, the anger and aggression of the animal starting to take over his mind and body. Now more than ever Remus just wished he could be normal. He usually couldn't sleep for a week around the full moon. That horrible part of his brain that assumed the worst was starting to come out again. It took advantage of not having a nightly dose of Sirius. Remus was once again being convinced of a hatred so deep he could feel it boiling his insides. Sirius was in prison because he had killed people. Not just random people, but his friends. Their friends. Sirius was the reason he was alone.  
  
Where are you and I'm so sorry  
  
I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight  
  
I need somebody and always  
  
this sick strange darkness  
  
comes creeping on so haunting every time  
  
He loved Sirius. But he hated him. And he swore the next time they met in his dreams that he'd kill him. But when the time came, when he could finally sleep, he fell into a void. There was no Sirius in this place. There was no anything, except darkness. And Remus wept. He hadn't meant to kill this yet, it had been the animal's anger, the animal's intent to destroy. He, the man, had needed to see his lover's face one last time, to remember it when all other memories would eventually fade. But now it was too late.  
  
and as I stared I counted  
  
webs from all the spiders  
  
catching things and eating their insides  
  
like indecision to call you  
  
and hear your voice of treason  
  
will you come home and stop this pain tonight  
  
stop this pain tonight  
  
Remus lay awake. He hadn't slept in days, despite being tired. The dark circles under his eyes had began to silently scream at him every time he looked in a mirror. He eventually took all the mirrors out of his flat. The truth was, he was afraid to sleep. Afraid to see nothing, to feel the pain of missing Sirius again. His fingers shook, his body ached with a need he simply could not relieve. Though he tried, he knew only one person could save him from this darkness. That person was as good as dead to him.  
  
Don't waste your time on me you're already  
  
the voice inside my head (I miss you, miss you)  
  
don't waste your time on me you're already  
  
the voice inside my head (I miss you, miss you)  
  
Eventually he stopped caring. The will to survive overpowered the intense feeling of loss. He could sleep again, and usually didn't dream at all. Occasionally, he would wake up with the urge to go through old photo albums, just to see his face again. He would look at the dark haired man before him, who smiled back, and try to convince himself that what he was doing was right; letting go was the only way he could live again.  
  
And in the end, the dreams gradually began to come back. They were never as frequent, and not always happy, but Remus knew that it was just Sirius's way of reaching out to him, to let him know he would live forever in his heart, even if his tired mind was willing to let him wither away and die. 


End file.
